Post Valentine Post

My husband was so disappointed that I didn’t post to my blog on Valentine’s Day. I think he wanted me to send a message to the wide world about how much I love him, which I do of course, and I don’t care who knows it. But I couldn’t’ think of what I wanted to say for Valentine’s Day until very late in the day. And this is it. Here is a quick list of what husbands can do for their wives if they really love them:

1. Pay us a real compliment about our physical beauty (often). Not something like “you smell like a girl” (which my daughter’s boyfriend, now ex-boyrfriend, actually said) or “I like your breasts.” Something more along the lines of “you look beautiful in that dress” or “I have to kiss those lips,” or “you are so voluptuous.”

2. Go to the doctor. Get regular check-ups, have him check your prostate even though it’s humiliating. If you aren’t feeling well, find out what’s wrong. Ancillary: do what the doctor says to do, like take aspirin every day to protect your heart and quit eating hamburgers. Don’t smoke. Get exercise. Don’t make us worry about your health.

3. When in the presence of non-football fans, limit your conversations about football to under two minutes. When in the presence of football fans, don’t stop, don’t stop.

4. Get up in the middle of the night with the baby. Don’t put beer in the baby bottle, just walk the floor with her.

5. Load the dishwasher. (Not just on Sundays.)

6. Put the screwdriver back when you’re done with it so someone else can find it. And stop swiping my hammer.

7. Open your socks up all the way before you toss them in the laundry.

8. Compliment your daughter more often on her brains and talent than on her looks. Compliment your son more often on his thoughtfulness and talent than on his athleticism.

9. Be willing to compromise on finances and recognize that for your wife the children’s financial needs are more important than yours.

10. If you have a job that you hate and it’s making you crazy. Quit. The stress is killing you and your wife. Get a job that makes you feel better. (But do get a job. Unemployment is not an option.)

11. Go to the sleep center and do the test so you can get a forced air machine, stop snoring, sleep better, and give your wife a good night’s rest for a change.

12. Remember that watching old movies on TV is not a substitute for a romantic evening and a satisfying roll in the hay.

13. Stop waiting for the children to leave home and the dog to die so you can get your wife all to yourself. She’s having the time of her life with the children and the dog. Don’t kid yourself, you won’t be nearly entertaining enough to fill the void when things settle down. And you won’t be able to eat all the food she is accustomed to cooking.

Just remember that a little appreciation and help with the daily work goes a long way. It’s a team effort. It’s a game of inches (as they say in football). I could go on but I’ll stop here. Ladies, what would you add to this list?