Message from John Cleese

OK, forgive me for being so unoriginal as to post a message from the great British comedian John Cleese on my blog instead of thinking up something clever on my own. But this is really too funny. And of course as an American I am clearly unable to manage an original thought without benefit of a thesaurus, two computers, six cups of English Breakfast Tea (diluted with gooey milk), several members of the BBC, a plate of spam, and a stiff upper lip. Don’t hurt yourself reading.

From: John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up 'revocation ' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem , God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaro's are also approved.
8. All intersections will be replaced wi th roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer i s also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
John Cleese

Zucchini Relish Champ

My life is complete. I won a blue ribbon, FIRST PLACE, at the Redwood Empire County Fair for my zucchini relish! I had meant to enter my zucchini relish in the Fair for years and finally went for it last summer. The Fair took place in August. I forgot all about it because we had a death in our close circle of friends the week of the Fair. Much later, when I remembered the Fair, I was bitterly disappointed to realize that my zucchini relish had not won. I figured it was because I don’t use as much salt or sugar as those 4Hers with whom I was competing. But as it turns out, my zucchini relish is NUMBER ONE! I got a notice in the mail yesterday, with a check for a whopping $3 prize money, and my blue ribbon. The grand prize. There’s no living with me now. I’m going to frame that check and my blue ribbon. My friend Jessica says I am making a major contribution by thinking of more things to do with zucchini. (She’s a gardener, she knows what’s at stake. Get it? “Stake”?) When I called my friend Linda to boast I said, “you’ll never believe what I won,” and she thought it was the Pulitzer Prize. “No, better,” I told her. “A blue ribbon.” She thinks I should enter my pesto next year. When I told my friend Candy, she told me to enter my cactus mango salad next year. The possibilities are endless. I’m on my way. As Virginia Woolf wrote in To the Lighthouse, “If it were now to die it were now to be most happy.” I have made my contribution. I make the best zucchini relish in the county. I was judged and came up number one. There’s a lesson here. In the bright and shining summer I thought I hadn’t won, but months later, in the dark of winter, I discovered that in fact I won after all. Sometimes, when we think we’ve lost, it turns out we’ve won. Just sometimes. But one can always hope.

Election Bliss

Pinch me. Is it real or am I dreaming? I had to choose my candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination between a brilliant, ambitious, outspoken woman and a brilliant, ambitious, outspoken multicultural, part African American man who was raised in a third world country. I had to choose between two very intelligent human beings. Both with integrity. Both saying real things about real concerns. Is this still America?
The second time Reagan was elected I researched the possibility of emigrating to New Zealand. But my family and friends are in this country. And I’m not too crazy about sheep. So I stayed. But I moved to a remote 40 acres in rural California to hide out. The first time W. stole the election, I started listening to NPR every morning. Molly Ivens and Michael Moore helped me survive. The second time W. stole the election I stopped listening to NPR every morning. It was more than I could stand to hear anything about what was going on. I went on a media diet. After all, who was I? Just an uncounted vote.
I used to be a political activist. I was even arrested for blockading a nuclear weapons facility. But in recent years I have lost hope. Yesterday I voted for Barack. He has the audacity to hope. I think I do too again. Although I would most dearly love to see Barack in the White House, I confess that I would not be too disappointed to see Hillary. Short of doing the job myself, well, these two candidates are the real deal. Is it my country again? Pinch me.

Why Is Life Worth Living?

The fun is back in football, folks.

Without putting too much negative energy out there into the universe, I gotta say it was sweet to watch that plate taken away from the lips of those big bad Pats at the final moment. My kid brother Dan has been a Giants fan all his life and after tonight’s game he turned to his young son Jacob and said, “If you ever wonder why life is worth living, you think back to tonight’s game.” That says it all.

I have watched those Manning brothers with admiration and delight for years. Eli’s determination to win in that game tonight was a sight to behold. He and his whole team. What a remarkable defensive effort on the part of those Giants, huh? When those Manning brothers get married and have children, you better believe that every football team in the country is going to be trying to sign their boys when those third generation Manning boys are in diapers. Well, those of you who love football saw the game and those of you who don’t do football, well you have no idea what I’m going on about so I’ll shut up already.

The game was the final shining moment in a lovely perfect weekend. Squidfest last night was spectacular. A delicious dinner with good friends served slow and special. Friends I have known for years and years, who have known me through thick and thin. The Squidmistress Linda was at the birth of all my children. The venue was the new home of friend Jim whom we have known for nigh on 30 years. His new home that he moved into a few months ago with his fiancé, after finally finding the love of his life when over 50 years old.

Life, like football, is a game of inches. You never know what’s around the corner. What might tip the scales one way or another. What might let you win against all odds. I have to say that I realize that I live in paradise. And I am truly grateful. My greatest hope is that everyone in the world will have the opportunity to live in paradise too. Even the Pats? Why not? I can afford to be generous. I wish them life in paradise too. Just without that Superbowl ring.

Squidfest Countdown Day One

This is my final blog entry before the Day of Squidfest. The Squidmaster Ed has arrived at Squid base camp. Squids’ Maid Ruth is flying in from points North today. The rain has brought out the worms in abundance and I have my little stash set aside for Artie. In a can with Artie’s name on it. A can with Artie’s name on it and not too much slime around the edges. Ron and I have gathered our Squidfest materials and laid them out on the dining room table. His snowshoes. My false eyelashes. The feathers, bailing buckets, spark plugs, life jackets, safety pins, flippers, cactus, whiskey, etc. We couldn’t find our squid pins or fishy tubby toys. A great disappointment. We’ll keep looking. We might suggest bobbing for apples this year as a new event. At least for the initiates. Or possibly a rousing game of whoops and catch. We’ll bring kitty litter, Vaseline, and ping-pong balls just in case. Let the games begin.